Things I've done and some feels

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It’s been almost a month since my last update. Oops? I guess I got distracted. I did actually have a topic to write about three weeks ago but couldn’t figure out how to word it. Now I’ve forgotten that topic. Really should make a list of ideas or something.

So, some of the things I’ve been up to in the last month:

  • Bayliss’s farewell thingy
  • Ivan’s cake birthday thing
  • I went to Australialand! I set up some Nagios and Ansible while I was over there.
  • And went on a train!
  • Then went to a wedding. Where people knew me but I didn’t know them. (Actual conversation that happened with people I was just meeting: Them: “Hi Simon,” Me: “I have no idea who you are,” Them: “Well, we know who you are”)
  • Then spent three nights in staying in a house with people I’ve only met once before. But they like board games and have an adorable kitty and crazy dogs, so was all good.
  • Then back home. Probably spent more time in airports than on planes. Silly domestic flights before international that aren’t connections.
  • Youth group like doubled in size.
  • To finish things up, there was Kiwicon this weekend

So it’s been a rather busy last three weeks. Pretty enjoyable time too.

Somethings I’ve noticed:

  • If I’m having an enjoyable time, I can miss taking my drugs (it took me until just before bedtime to realise and correct that)
  • My body can adjust easy enough to moving the time I take my drugs later
  • It’s not too keen on moving the time 4-6 hours earlier though. Noticed the drowsiness setting in a lot earlier on my return to the country than usual.
  • Small groups of people are usually fine, large groups less so.
  • Small amounts of sleep don’t mix too well with antidepressants.

Aha, I remember the thing I couldn’t word. It’s about being all gushy-feely and having emotions and other weird things.

One of the things I got rather good at was suppressing emotions. This had the benefit of meaning that I could mostly function, with only minor breakdowns every six months or so. It also meant that both my negative and positive emotions were much more subdued.

Then my happy pills started working. Gradually, I stopped suppressing emotions since they were mostly nice ones again. People noticed that I was happier and generally better emotionally than I used to be.

Just like suppressing the negative emotions meant my positive emotions were much more subdued, not needing to suppress emotions has lead to those negative ones being a lot more noticeable when they occur. I’ve noticed I’m now getting frustrated with people a lot more easily and it’s a lot easier for that to turn into resentment. It’s also rather easy for a day to suddenly turn completely sour based on some response that I used to be able to shrug off. I’ve noticed that in response to this, I’m more likely to walk out of situations in which I start to lose control. How normal people manage is beyond me.

That appears to have rambled. I guess a summary is that as a side effect of not needing to be almost constantly suppression emotions, I actually feel them and have no idea what to do.

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